And so the “pre” journey begins….

Our journey to a simpler life has begun with purging and preparing the house to sell. It’s an overwhelming, slow process. What to keep, what to give away. So many memories wrapped up in things collected over 55 years. But I can see the light. The light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The one that lights the path to our dream of one day hitting the open road, pulling a trailer behind us and seeing the good ole U S of A. A dream that started many years ago – 20 to be exact. The dream that one day we would be in a position to have a camper and roam.

In 2012 I left a corporate job after months of frustration with “management” for a job that would allow me to work from home. Working for a company who’s owners and management were Christians and had a deep faith in God. A boss/friend who prayed with me over this decision.  And stepping outside the boat like Peter, in faith and in awe of what the Father was working out for us. This job would afford us the opportunity to really start working towards that dream… but not without “sinking” a few times like Peter as we took our eyes off Jesus and tried to do it our way.

And now…. the house looks like a small cyclone went through it… but each day, small victories…. a repair done, a paint job completed, a light fixture replaced….. one day at a time. One project at a time…. and the light gets brighter. The dream gets closer.

In this world you will have trouble……

There are times in life that it feels like Satan has tackled you to the ground, pinned down and is rubbing your face in the mud. There is a heaviness as though you can’t breathe and you can’t move.

As I look out the window at this cloudy, gloomy, overcast day, I find that it matches my heart today. Sad, heavy….. hard to breathe at times. I lost my precious Aunt Dorris yesterday. I am named after her. Dorris Sue and Kimberly Sue. We shared a special bond. She was always a safe place for me…. home. A place of comfort and love. She was always there with a smile and a hug for me. Her home always felt like my home. Many mornings of sitting at her dining table eating breakfast and having coffee. Talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. She loved my kids and they love her. She treated Ronnie like one of her own. So many treasured memories over the years….. I will love you always and hold you in my heart….. till we meet again.

Kimberly Sue and Dorris Sue -July 1968

The Bible tells us that in this world we will have troubles (John 16:33)…. and sometimes, while it is easy to lose focus and take our eyes off Jesus…. we have to remember He is there. He cares that we are hurting and with him we will get through the tough stuff.

Weeks like this one are hard. Two family members in the hospital, losing my aunt, the loss of two dear friends from church, another family friend in the hospital and someone dear to me who has been betrayed and hurt by a family member. It is so easy to want to crawl in bed and pull the covers up over our head and scream and cry. And that is OK. For a bit. But then, we have to get up, put on the full armour of God and move forward. Always in Hope. Always in faith. Always in confidence.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit… Psalm 34:18

Land that I love…

I got up with this great country of ours on my mind and heart and immediately stopped to pray. There is so much division due to politics and beliefs. Every day we see things where a person’s “rights” or “beliefs” are valued more than human life. Jesus wanted us to be united so the world would know Him (John 17:23) I love when I see acts of love and compassion but it breaks my heart to see all the fighting, division, and evil happening around us every day. A friend of mine posted yesterday that her word for this year is “bold”. What an awesome word for the children of God – may be we bold in standing up for what is right and being a light for His Kingdom. Our country is hurting and broken and the best thing we can do as Christians is to hit our knees and PRAY BOLDLY.

James 5:6 The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and…turn from their wicked ways…I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

I see so much anger towards our brothers and sisters who do not believe as we do. This is why I chose the word “Tolerance” this year. I pray that I will be more tolerant of those who believe differently than me and that I will be tolerant of their actions when they are hateful, rude or hurt me. In John 13:34, Jesus says; “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” He continues, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” I pray that I can live this out loud in 2021. Pray for this great country. Pray if there is fraud and corruption in this election that it will be evident. Pray if there is not fraud and corruption in this election that, too, will be evident. Pray for unity for all of us. Pray for love and compassion towards each other.

I’ll end with the words of Paul from 1 Corinthians: “The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you. My love to all of you in Christ Jesus, Amen

That’s a wrap…..

2020 was rough. But also full of blessings. Months without hugging and touching, long periods without seeing our family and friends. Trips and gatherings canceled…. but in the midst of all that, God was working. Families are spending more time together, people are realizing what is really important and counting their blessings. Virtual online church services made it possible for more to hear his word.

It’s been over 3 years since I added to this blog. I’m not sure why. Maybe because the last I wrote was just after the one year anniversary of daddy’s death and it took a lot out of me emotionally. But I LOVE to write and blog and put down my thoughts… so, I’m back.

Each year I choose a “word” for that year. It’s a word to remind me of what I want to be, work on and achieve that year. I generally end up with two because I can’t choose just one. In addition to my word, I choose a scripture to go with it and meditate on through out the year. This year I have 3 words but two go hand in hand for what I am working towards this year. 1) Focus/Determination (Proverbs 4:25-26 and Hebrews 12:1-22) Tolerance (Ephesians 4:2)

Cherished time

I began writing this the first week of August and somehow just did not get it finished.

On August 2, Mom, Michelle and I took a trip to a cabin in the woods for a time of remembrance and reflection of daddy on the first anniversary of his death. It was a precious time for all of us. A time for just being away from the noise and the reminders at home and to be together as we worked through that last first. We were blessed to have Eli and Micah with us for those couple days.

Shortly after we arrived at the cabin Michelle told us to be sure and unlock one of the windows because she is notorious for  going outside and the door being locked. So we unlocked the window at the back of the cabin and went about our time. And sure enough, true to tradition, Michelle locked us out on the back porch of the cabin before dinner of day ONE. Thankfully we had agile Eli with us who was able to maneuver that window with little effort. I was very thankful I was not the one having to crawl through that window. We might have been in trouble. 

We enjoyed a lot of time hiking, walking, and sharing memories about daddy. He would have loved that trip. He loved camping and he loved the outdoors and I think he was smiling down on us those few days.

On the evening before we were to leave the next day we drove into town for dinner and as we were leaving the park we noticed the most beautiful double rainbow. I felt like daddy was letting us know that he was OK and gave us some closure to our cherished time together. 

I know that I will always miss my daddy but I’m thankful for the time that I had him and for the memories that will always be cherished.

Surviving the “firsts”

The past year has been one of many “first”. First birthdays, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Year’s, first Father’s Day and many other first.  Wednesday, August 2, will be the “last first”. It will be the first anniversary of daddy’s death. And after that there will be no more first.  Everyone says that each first is hard. And that somehow after that first year things begin to get easier. It is so hard to believe that its been a year since I held his hand, kissed his head, whispered I love you, and heard his precious voice. And in other ways it feels like it was a million years ago. 

At times the pain is almost unbearable and yet I have learned a lot on this journey called grief.

 I have learned that everyone deals with grief differently. The things I feel are not necessarily the same things that my mom and sister feel. The things that bring pain to one of us may bring peace to the other and vice versa. And that is OK. Because it’s during those times that we are able to hold each other close and give strength to the one that is hurting and maybe somehow bring a little peace to them.

I have learned that there are others who understand what you’re going through because they too have walked this journey. And because of that a bond is formed. Words are not necessary. A touch or a hug screams volumes. A tearful eye lets you know they understand your pain.

But most of all, I have learned that it is OK to laugh and to be happy and to find joy in living. That is what my daddy would want.  

Time, be still…….

Have you ever wished that time could just stand still? Time that you could bask in the joy of that moment or to put off something that you dread?

Last July brought that feeling to me on a daily basis. Every single minute spent with my daddy wishing that I could stop what I knew was coming. Savoring every single minute that I could hold his hand and talk to him. Hanging on to every word he spoke to me. Basking in the warmth of his hugs. Praying daily for time to be still.  Those 29 days of watching him slowly drift away are the worst days I’ve ever experienced and yet I cherish every one. I thank God often for the blessing of being able to be with daddy and care for him those last days. Those last chances to say I love you and to say those things that I wanted to be sure he knew. I whispered in his ear, kissed him on his head, held his hand and cared for him the best way I knew how.  It was in those days that I found peace because I knew that he knew how much I loved him. I also knew that he was ready to go into the arms of Jesus where he could rest and be pain-free.  

Shortly after daddy passed away mom gave me one of his watches. When the watch was on my arm I noticed that the time was standing still. For almost a year I have worn that watch without replacing the battery. I’m not really sure why except that for some reason it gave me peace. As though it was a reminder to stop, to take time to enjoy life, to savor the preciousness of every single day and as a reminder to cherish every minute.  Just over a week ago I felt a yearning to bring that watch back to life. It was a nagging that just would not go away so I finally inserted a battery and immediately the hands began to move as though to say “even though you lost something precious, time moves on.”

I hear of people who live with regret for the things they left unsaid. Hug those that you love often and tell them what you want them to know while they are here. Forgive and let go. There will come a time when you might not be able to speak those words to them in person.  

While I miss my daddy more than words could ever express, I have peace because he knew I loved him. I told him often….

The journey is not always easy……

The house has on the market for a month now. We’ve had a few lookers but no contract…..yet. It’s hard keeping the house “company ready” 24/7 but we are doing it. I prefer that “lived in” look to the “museum” look 🙂. The uncertainty of when the house will sell is tough…. but we are trying to be patient because we know that God has the perfect family planned for this house. It needs kids. It’s a great home with lots of room for a growing family and plenty of room to play and be together. We know that HIS timing is perfect so we are enjoying all the things we did to the house to prepare it for the next family.
Today is Father’s Day. A day I’ve been dreading for weeks. I miss my daddy. Mom gave me a pillow today that she had made from one of Daddy’s shirts. What a treasure that I will always cherish.  He would be so excited to hear about the trips we will take. He often talked about the trip he and mom took to the Florida Key’s so I’m working on plans for a trip there for our 25th Anniversary. The planning part is fun and takes my mind off other things. We are planning a trip to the beach in October just to get away for a few days…. A visit to a lighthouse and some civil war places….. and if Ron gets his wish, a ghost tour of a cemetery and light house (YIKES!) We shall see. 

I am not fully utilizing this blog yet. The original plan was to start writing when we sold the house and started travelling but I felt led to start it during the process of getting it ready to sell. Now I just need to remember to write all those things on my heart and mind as they come to me. so until then……..

Do not worry

I love being a child of God. I love watching Him work out the very details of the things I have prayed for. It doesn’t always look like what I had in my mind but it is always perfect.  I love that I do not have to worry (yet, I do sometimes). I love that He loves me so much that He wants the best for me.

The past weeks have been overwhelming at times to say the least. A weekend in the woods with my prayer warriors and “sole sisters” and praying over the next phase of our journey to a simpler life and I have been in awe of the things he has done.

When we first started planning for this move we planned to live in a camper after selling our home and while looking for the next. As we researched our options for places to park the camper and how that would look for 3 adults and a dog we became a bit worried. Then through a conversation with a precious friend we learned of a potential rental house that might be available in perfect timing and near the area we hope to return. A phone call, a walk through and a few details later and a rental house is lined up. A couple days later I was reading through a local Facebook page for residents of our small town and saw a person asking if anyone on the list would be interested in selling a home soon and detailed what she was looking for. It sounded like my house that she was describing….. even though we are still a few weeks away from being ready to sell, I reached out to her. I told her our plans and time-frame and she said that she and her husband are very interested and to please let them know when we are ready to show the house. Today I received another message that even though we are not yet ready to show the house and she knows that there are still things we are working on they would really like to see the house to determine if it’s one to keep on their short list as they continue to look at other homes. She said she doesn’t care if there are boxes and piles every where they just want to see the house. Can you say TAIL SPIN!? Within minutes my head was spinning and thinking and wondering how on earth I could make this happen. Carpet is being put down next week, a door replacement the week after. Boxes and boxes and piles of stuff are every where. I found myself becoming anxious and more overwhelmed. I messaged a friend to pray for me…. and within minutes I saw 3 scriptures on Facebook reminding me that God’s got this.  Peace enveloped me and I found myself calm.

I was reminded of this story:

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religious man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”

Sometimes the answers to our prayers come in ways that do not look like what we prayed for…. yet He is there. He is taking care of us. We just have to trust HIS ways are better than our ways.

So, today, I am thankful for the reminders that He is in control. Even if these are not the people that will buy our home I have complete faith that He is working out the details for a family that will love our home as much as we have.

 

moving along

The day to day grind of preparing the house to sell is exhausting and overwhelming, yet exciting. Trying to accomplish something each day to get packed and get the house staged and maintain my sanity is becoming a bit of a challenge. Figuring out what to box for storage and what will need to be boxed for a temporary home often leaves me staring into an empty box or at the items needing to be packed.

Most of the house looks like a small cyclone went through. But that is also a sign of progress. Trips to donate items we no longer need. Stacks of things to return to their rightful owner and boxes taped and labeled show we are moving forward.

I’m happy to have my soul mate and best bud beside me as we move forward to living the dream. We are having a blast talking about the places we will visit and planning for a future that will hopefully include fewer work hours and no debt.

We recently looked at what may be an option for a short term rental until we can find our perfect “forever” home. We have seen the hand of God in this and know that He is preparing the perfect place for us and that it will come in His perfect timing. As I think of this I’m reminded of a time when God said “go” and we moved from the area we had both known our entire lives to a little town called Spring Hill. And through that move he has placed the most amazing people in our lives…. for that we are thankful. We count our blessings each day. God is good… all the time. And all the time… God is good.

 

Random thoughts on a cloudy day….

Over the weekend I watched a movie (based on a true story) about a young man with cancer. In one scene he is struggling to maintain hope and he is giving in to despair and questioning making plans for the future. It’s at this point that a friend tells him, “Until you die…. you live”.  Simple statement, profound words. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my daddy a couple of months before he passed away.

We were talking about all the places he and mom had traveled over the years and the look on his face expressed how much he loved sharing those memories. He told me the places he enjoyed the most and why and I told him of our dream to get a camper and travel to some of those places. I told him of the trips I had planned in my head and how I couldn’t wait to start living that dream…. he looked at me and with tears in his eyes he said, “don’t wait too long”. I’m not sure what my expression said to him but he looked me right in the eyes and said “don’t wait till it’s too late. You don’t know what’s down the road”.  I know that he and mom had always planned to travel after daddy retired but two brain tumors, a heart attack and cancer prevented them from doing all the travelling they dreamed of.  Just a short few weeks later, he was gone.

And it wasn’t long before a nagging in my brain started…. a nagging to “get busy living”. So it began. Preparing the house to sell. Clearing out, cleaning out and purging. Plans to sell and relocate closer to our families. Downsizing. Why do I hate that word so much? Why is it so hard to give up “stuff”. Years of accumulation of stuff. Some of it in boxes or closets for years… untouched. But it is hard; Very hard to let it go. The memories are vivid and real. I have learned that purging and getting rid of things leads to a range of emotions, in fact, I think in a 30 minute purge session the other day I went through every emotion; sadness, laughter, crying, happiness, pain, joy… so much of life wrapped up in those things. But then it occurred to me that the memories were not really in those “things”. Those “things” just remind us of the memory of that special time, with that special someone. Whether I have that “thing” or not, I will always have my memories. Those are in my heart where they will remain forever.